Sometimes you just have to press pause on life.
By pause, I mean take time out and stop everything. Not permanently. Just for a short time.
That’s exactly what I’ve done today, at least when it comes to work.
Anyone who has managed their mental health for a long time will know their own behaviour and recognise the warning signs that things are going downhill.
The warning signs have been there for me for some time.
The stress, the crippling anxiety, the unmanageable workload, needing to use holiday time to recover from the job, and even questioning how you know when is the time to leave.
All of this has slowly built up over the past couple of months to the point where, today, an email placing even further demands on my time was too much.
I knew I had reached the point where I could literally do no more.
It was time, temporarily at least, to walk away.
It was several hours before I could have that all-important conversation with my manager. I wasn’t going to leave without talking things through and making a plan agreeing to some time away.
What I find most upsetting and frustrating is that the cause of all of this comes down to one thing: the NHS does not have the funds to employ enough staff.
That’s it.
Those there are left doing roles that could easily require the work of two people working full time, especially when it comes to the lower band jobs.
Junior doctors and consultants might be demanding more pay, but there are many working at much lower levels of the organisation doing far too much for far too little.
I thought I had stepped out of the rat race.
I thought I’d taken the opportunity to slow down for a brief period for the benefit of my mental health.
I’d taken a entry level job on a low salary but was happy to compromise on pay for the benefits I thought it would bring in terms of low stress, not having to manage people, and being able to leave work at work at the end of the day.
I made the mistake of thinking I would find that in the NHS.
I had no idea what the realities of working in the NHS would be like. I had no idea that less than six months into the job I’d be left feeling burnt out.
There have been aspects of the job that have been truly incredible. I’ve met the most dedicated, hardworking and talented staff.
I’ve met and helped patients and found that hugely rewarding, and found a level of compassion towards people I did not know I had.
I’ve met people from all walks of life and learnt a lot about myself in the process. It has been a wild and fascinating ride, and one I am grateful I have experienced.
But it has all come at a cost, to my physical and mental health. Rest and sleep will help with the exhaustion. Healing my burnt-out brain might take a little longer.
I’ve given all I have to give.
Eventually you reach the point where the scales start to tip a little too much, and the cons of the job outweigh the pros. Eventually the weight of it all is just too much, which is what happened today.
I’m writing this feeling hugely relived that I do not have to wake up and do it all tomorrow.
I’m also aware there’s a chance my planned two days away from the NHS might turn into forever.
Comments (4)